Do you ever think of me.  A open letter to my teen bullies.

Do you ever think of me.  A open letter to my teen bullies.

Hello, do you remember me?

I am the girl that nobody noticed except you and your friends.  You did not notice me because I am kind, patient, loving and accepting but because I looked different. You didn’t choose to get to know me you chose to target me.

Do you ever think of me? What happened to me? How your words and actions affected me?

I can tell you I am well infact my life has worked itself out to be a thing of beauty but no thanks to you all.  I have lifelong fears and doubts about myself that never would have existed without you.  I looked different, it didn’t mean I was a ‘freak’, I liked things you did not this did not mean ‘I deserved it’.

You made my life misery, when I think of that time my world has so muddy and grey with sadness and uncertainty.  I used to fake illness to be sent home rather than have to face you and endure the words you would call me in constant hushed tones so the teacher wouldn’t hear and I would pray the teacher wouldn’t be called out of the room because when this did happen you would send out the call to the others in the class and you would all start on me. You would hit me with ruler, spit at me and throw things among other threats.

I understand now how strong I actually was because you didn’t break me, you could have but I was stronger than that. I can see how people commit suicide because of bullying as I felt I had nowhere to turn even though I have a very loving and supportive family I felt  I couldn’t open up or it would get worse. I only ever made one attempt at getting help. I reached out to a male teacher of importance and without a second thought he replied with ‘what do you think will happen when you dress like that’ ans nothing more was ever mentioned.  I am so thankful that social media didn’t exist or I am unsure of the outcome.  I know bullying is a focus within schools these days but as one of the bullied this only works if it’s seen or heard, my scenario went totally unnoticed.  I was finally caught out by my mum who pinned in a corner and could see through all of the excuses I made until I let the wall down and admitted what was happening.

The impact you have had on me is so significant, my life has been changed because of you but on a positive I am even more accepting of others, more open to new and different things but I will not allow you to take credit for that because it was all me.

I forgive you for what you did to me, I often wonder what made you all so cruel wether you were mistreated from someone?  I hope your life is good that you protect any children you may have and teach them to be better than you were.  Above all else I hope you realise what you did and think about it from time to time with regret.

Signing off with love and lipstick,

Pip 💋🖤💄

Have a little faith in yourself, you are enough.

Have a little faith in yourself, you are enough.

All of my life I strived to be happy, i ran from anything that didn’t sit right or even slightly felt as if it wasn’t going my way.  Filling life with as much joy as I can cram into my 5 ft 2 body was and always will be, other than my family the driving force in my existence and I feel after 34 years I am finally in a place of self achieved contentment, I am married, I have an amazing family who I love and love me just a feircely and a circle of friends who I would stand with through any battle and a job I love.  This is what I was searching for but not particularly what I thought would bring happiness so be open to the unexpected.

I have recently taken the massive new step, especially considering I usually hate change and finally after 11 years at HMV and gotten myself a brand shiney new job.  I can proudly say that I work for smashbox cosmetics and get to surround myself with makeup all day.  I was past believing that you can start again, that life goes my way sometimes which makes me even more appreciative.  I have always loved makeup and have even gained distinctions at college so I am beyond thrilled in my new job.  I have been welcomed with open hearts by my new work mates which makes everything so much easier.

Anyway I am getting away from my point.  I do and always will have insecurities but they pale in significance to the great things that can be achieved in everyday life.  Life truely did start for me at 30 and here I am 34 and finally living.  I am so excited for the future and look  forward to ticking more things off my newly formed ‘bucket list’ (I have even saved a list on my phone) because I can and I will drive myself to be better, to gain happiness to fill my life with the things I need and want, no more putting it on the back burner.  My dreams vary from small to large but I will be going to IMATS next spring, I will be attending the hyper Japan festival in London next year all of this along side learning some new things, My mother always said that I would be a life long student.  I want to learn how to drive, to learn a new language, to take my little mouse to Disney for her Halloween birthday in a few years and anything else that sparks my interest.  

Alway remember to dream big and live even bigger. You are worthy of good things so grab them and embrace it all because sometimes life is really shitty so while it’s good make it great. 

I need to keep my mind in this frame and keep myself motivated so here we go and I will drop in with my little achievements along the way.  I hope you all share with me your life goals and let’s all move forward and grab life by the balls.

Signing off with love and lipstick,

Pip 💋🖤💄

The unwelcome visitor.

Today I have a visitor.

She hasn’t visited for a while.

The hours tick by and she gets harder to ignore.

She creeps inside and makes herself comfortable.

I notice her, she catches me off guard.

My chest fills, fills with her bitterness,

She swells to fill the cavity Behind my ribs, it becomes difficult to breathe.

I pace, still there, I distract myself, still lurking.

I don’t like the days she visits.

She doesn’t care that everything is going well.

They don’t get better, only the sleep will bring solice.

My body becomes my conflict.

The sleep will be difficult, she will taunt me until the early hours.

Hopefully I will sleep.

Hopefully she will leave.

At least hopefully for a while.

Signing off with love and lipstick

Pip 💋🖤💄

Honeymoon was life!

Honeymoon was life!


I am back from my honeymoon and feeling so renewed and refreshed. When we got married we asked for no gifts but if people wanted to bestow us with something a donation to our honeymoon fund would be appreciated (with 3 kids between us we would never have had the spare money).  Our guests were lovely and generous so we booked a fabulous 5 day, CHILD FREE break away to centreparcs, Whinfell Forest, Cumbria.  

It was lush spending some time alone with my husband especially to have the chance to go away! So with Tilly packed off to spend the week with her two aunties and plethora of cousins and tuna dog off for her own holiday with grandma and Alfie dog we were good to go.

We rode along on the motorbike which was so much fun but my back nearly died carrying the worlds biggest, heaviest backpack known to mankind (my makeup was defiantly not ALL the weight, but with the war paint I need it was a fair majority) .

I had to take a photo to include where we parked 😂

We stayed in 5 Lakeside Apartments. It’s was a luxury lakeside (bet you didn’t guess that one) studio apartment.  It was top notch so clean and Spacious that I could live there (if we didn’t have kids that is!). 

View from our seating area.
I could have tidied before I took a photo!!

Our days were filled with food, drink and having fun.

Husband handed my ass to me! I can’t bowl for shit!

During all of the fun I descovered that I am terrible at bowling and pool, however it also turns out my skills at pool (bowling not so much) greatly improve when I have a couple (or more) drinks.
Pool shark 🎱

Food was high, maybe even top of my agenda.  Other than my husband food is my soulmate.  If anyone is as interested in photographs of people’s food as much as I am you might enjoy a few of my photos.

Mango mojito 10/10 yum
Garlic mushrooms from cafe Rouge 9/10
Giant cream eclair
Chicken and sweetcorn omelette with garlic butter. 4/10 total disappointment, knew I should have gone for a waffle
Double cheeseburger from hucks 6/10 good burger just not epic

The wether was glorious the whole week, I’m not outdoorsy in the slightest, I don’t do outdoor activities and the thought of it actually fills me with dread, so some would say it’s lost on me but I was there for some R&R and that’s just what I got.  Went swimming twice which with the body issues I have is rather impressive, I took my glasses off to go in (I’m totally blind without them) so I couldn’t see any ones reaction (even though nobody was probably even looking!!) but in my world I was a brave girl!!

My Lord I’m so cool 😎
We were like kids again in the arcades, 10p machines are my rush…….I dream big lol, husband on the other hand liked the motorbike game #shocker! 

I NEED this KAWAII hello kitty air hockey table in my LIFE 😍😍
You can take the boy off the bike but you can never take the child out of the man.
 

I did however miss my little Mouse, we have barely been apart since the day she was born and we were surrounded by family’s It got progressively Worse as the time went on so  I made it my mission to win her a smurf on the grabby machine.  I was convinced they were rigged until we saw kids with some so it was GAME ON! At one point I was right on the brink and I could see a dad and his kid hovering to try and get on but hell no losers, back up smurfette was mine *insert villain laugh here.

No grabber can beat me!!

We had a fantastic time and we laughed so much, I defiantly married someone who can make me smile.

Greatest photobomb of all time!
Already looking forward to going back.

Signing off with love and lipstick,

Pip 💋🖤💄

Sleep is for the weak………please let me be weak!!

Sleep is for the weak………please let me be weak!!

Hello lovely people, long time no blog.  I feel I have been so unmotivated as of late and I’m not the kind of blogger who fills there blog with pointless content for the craic, it’s not me. So here I am with a little evening ramble as sleep is eluding me.

I complain to myself when mouse wakes me Up at the crack of dawn every morning because when she’s awake, she’s AWAKE, I mean full-let’s put on a full musical production-awake and the day starts.  I wish I could take a mousepill in the morning that helped me tap into the boundless energy source that appears to have depleted somewhere between 21-34.

Always a pretty good sleeper I now get woken maybe once a night by Tilly so she can go to the toilet but it seems it is this ungodly hour (currently 2.21am) in which my vessel decides 

‘What’s that bae u want to go back to sleep? hang on I have a better idea why don’t we lay here totally unable to get comfortable and play a game of too hot too cold’

I end up being awake for a couple of hours.  Don’t worry I spend said fine very wisely with tasks such as updating my Pinterest boards or liking photographs of the worlds most delicious looking food on Instagram.  Today I thought I woyld spend the time blogging on the hopes that it’s some kind if release that leads to sleeptime part 2 (the remix).  

My husband sleeps so soundly beside me and I’m so jealous as I know that my day is so much closer than I want it to be and it’s a super busy one with school drop offs, pickups and a spot of painting and decorating in the middle.

The light at the end of the tunnel comes next week when I finally get to go on honeymoon.  Me and hubs are going for a 4 day rest session at centreparcs while my family kindly take charge of the dog and daughter.  4 days no children, which especially after the hectic school Easter holiday with all 3 kids is much earned.  I plan on eating, sleeping and reading.  I’m so happy I can’t remember the last time I spent fun time alone with Alex, actually I can we had one evening away in September 2014!!!!

When I get back I am starting a new chapter of my life.  I am getting motivated, fit and healthy after a recent weight gain that has creeped up on me since the wedding in November.  I have Been left hating the girl who stands in front of me in the mirror, I wear my skin so uncomfortably so I’m looking to change it.  I plan on blogging my journey for added motivation and help from you beautiful readers.

I appreciate each and every one of you and let’s see how much of this I can remember and how much makes sense in the cold light of the morning.

Signing of with love and lipstick,

Pip 💋🖤💄

Busy week, tired human.

Online interview face! Ahhhh inside I was crying x

It’s been a busy little week for me, all higgildy piggledy.  Works been on different days to normal and as a total creature of habit it’s thrown me off my regular routine.  

I have applied for 2 new jobs.  I currently work at HMV on a part time basis, which I decided on when I returned to work after having mouse but as she’s getting bigger I feel it’s time to go back to work and earn a bit more money.  We have been strapped for cash but it was totally worth it as I wanted to be a full time mummy but she doesn’t need me in the same way (*insert sobbing and snot bubbles here) so it’s time.  I have decided to go for a position more suited to my passions so we shall see how that one pans out.  Honestly after the video submission (no it’s not for Britians next top human drag race) I’ll be surprised if I hear back, that was some scary shit.  

Mouse got accepted for big girl school, she’s chuffed and so am I it’s the one we wanted and the uniform is life!! Wish we could get clarkes shoes with the key in the sole to celebrate.  So in September my baby is beginning the journey to become either a world leader or a unicorn, to be fair it could go either way with her.

It was Josh’s 6th birthday last Thursday, he was at his mums so they came down on Friday and we had a lovely party for him on Saturday.  Love a good old tea party!! 

My mum has the busiest week of her year this week as she runs Necta Sugarcraft in Newcastle.  A yearly event, she co ordinates the sugarcraft arm (no pun intended) of a massive food competition that has all top chefs and sugarcrafters compeating to gain the award of Necta Sugarcrafter/chef of the year and she’s only gone and tripped up outside my house and broken her wrist.  The woman’s amazing at organisation and crap at balance.  I think she decided it wasn’t hard enough work and would add a new element (only jokin mum!).

Ooh alex and my wedding was featured on rock n roll brides website on April 1st totally not a joke, it made me all smiley.  If you fancy a peek the links below.

https://www.rocknrollbride.com/2017/04/non-traditional-halloween-biker-wedding/
On the upside it’s 4 weeks today until I go on my honeymoon and I’m so excited!!!! 

So hopefully I will write a new ‘proper’ blog soon, when I get a second to myself.  I have about 18 half started blogs to work on.

Signing off with love and lipstick,

Pip 💋🖤💄

Happy Mother’s Day!

Happy Mother’s Day!

My Mother’s Day card.

First off let me wish all my mothering readers a happy Mother’s Day.  A day where we get the recognition we totally deserve, well alongside doing all the other normal stuff we have to do everyday.

Mother’s Day doesn’t mean a stop for me.  It’s currently 7.07am (clocks have already gone forward remember!) and my tiny human, Tilly, has already barked her orders that she wants the iPad and a drink of milk in bed, pretty sure I should be the one being ran about after! 

Today I’m spending the day with some of my favourite women my mum and 2 sisters (alongside all of the respective people’s husbands/kids and dogs) and we are just having a get together and some KFC because a few weeks back we decided to have a day where we had to do nothing.  I’m sure you can all appreciate that today still involves, tidying the house, getting he kids sorted and general stuff that no one day can stop but I am doing as little as is humanly possible today!

I have a card, a bottle of wine and some Tilly made cupcakes for Mother’s Day and it’s more than I need.  Money’s always tight in the Fleck household but what we lack on money we more than make up for on madness, love and laughs. Mouse made me a beautiful cut out hand butterfly, which I have proudly displayed on the side of the fridge with all of the ‘picassoesque’ works of art and she brought me a daffodil back from little school on Thursday. It’s the little things that mean the world. 

If you have read my blog in the past you would probably know I never really wanted children but since falling pregnant and in the subsiquent years since I have realised that this is what I was made to do.

Being a mother to me is standing by TillyMae through every up and down, temperature and temper tantrum, supporting her individuality and loving her unconditionally .  I think me and her father have actually done a pretty awesome job so far, even if I do say so myself, she tells me 44,000 times a day that she loves me, that I’m beautiful and smart and gives out hugs and kisses like they are going out of favour.  She’s affectionate and passionate, moody and independent, intelligent and self assured and pretty much an amazing character.  I wish I had her compassion and conviction and she’s only 3 1/2 years old (going on 33!). Don’t get me wrong there have been times where I have wanted to put her out with the bins in the hopes they take her, days where I have locked myself in the bathroom and cried, where my anxiety mixed with the responsibility of keeping her alive AND well balanced have been crippling but those clouds pass and the sun comes out when I see her repeatedly dancing and singing to the opening theme tunes of her favourite shows, or she offers me her last sweety or bite of cake.

I hope you all have a great day and are treat like the queens you all are. Never forget you are amazing, you are doing the hardest job on the planet and nailing it.  One day your babies will be grown and have babies of their own to pass on the skills YOU have taught them, well done you. Plus when it all goes totally tits up I find wine helps.
Signing 0ff with love and lipstick,

Pip 💋🖤💄