This year my family and I lost someone so profound in our lives that my mind still has not come to terms with it.
I spoke to my uncle last night and this is why I felt now was a good time to talk about him. I dreamt so vividly of him, so much so nobody can convince me that it was not real.
My uncle Simon went in for a heart valve operation (the second one he had) and while under he his brain was starved of oxygen and was put into a coma from which he never regained consciousness. With his beloved partner Robin and my mum and dad by his side he passed.
The tragedy of this event has hit all of us in different ways (it caused my little sister to go into early labour bringing to us such joy of a new baby boy Elliott mere minutes after uncle Simon passed) but I am sure we all have different ways of coping and all I can do is open up about mine. This is probably the first time I have ever really spoken about it in any depth, to anyone so bare with me.
Since I was a little girl I always felt different, I was a geek, I was awkward, loved the arts and history and this man was my guide who served to show me who I always wanted to be and embrace things that always felt other worldly and unreachable.
My heart aches that I never got to tell him just how much he meant to me. I had a conversation with him the evening before he went in to hospital about my wedding and his excitement to attend, which sadly wasn’t meant to be, I wish then that I had told him how he made me strive to be better, to achieve all the glorious things he said with ease that I was both capable and deserving of, how his words always struck me in such a deep profound way and above all else just how deeply I loved him. He was so independent and achieved so many amazing things in his lifetime that I could only dream of. He taught me above all else how to be accepting, he did this without knowing through his love and devotion to his partner, my uncle robin. They had been together as long as I can remember and they were the perfect match . There was a time when due to my age, I could not describe what their relationship was but I always knew it was simply love. Love that gave me a fundamental basis for all my feelings and views that I hold on relationships to this day, a basis that allows me to never judge but to always be open to others emotions and lifestyle.
The loss of this man is a little too much for me. I cannot process it or maybe I won’t allow myself as I can’t think how I can ever stop the pain if I let it out. I am not equipped to deal with death, it’s my crux, the demon that follows me. I cannot even speak of it in depth right now because I know what happens, the fear comes, the black hole opens and I get lost.
This man, my uncle, a man I hero worshipped is gone and with it a peice of my heart, a peice that can never mend and if I am honest I don’t think I would ever want it to.
Don’t get me wrong, I deal and cope with it in my own way and maybe this is the first step to opening up about my fears.
Overall I am not religious but I am blessed to of known, loved and been loved by such an amazing, unique man. I will try to be as great as he thought I was and to achieve to my fullest potential what he dreamed for me. This is my first baby step, taken with immense love and pride in my heart.
Signing off with love and lipstick,