Am I losing my mind?

Am I losing my mind?

Today’s blog is about something that scares me about myself more than anything and that’s my memory loss.  My memory has been noticeably decreasing in its capabilities for about the last 10 years and the last few years its has increasingly becoming something I’m aware of.  I have mentioned it in passing to my loved ones but never really in any depth, I tend to bury my head in the sand when it comes to serious matters so not to trigger my anxiety but this might bring me to the next step in the knowledge on what’s happpening to me.

I know people say ‘oh I can’t remember that long ago’ but my memory loss is becoming a cause for concern.  I cannot hold onto memories, non important and important details of life.  It’s a scary place to be and if I’m honest I’m petrified as I know it’s not just ‘normal’ memory loss. 

Small examples of some of the things I mean.

  • I cannot remember what has happened in a movie I have watched within a couple of hours of watching it.
  • I have no recollection of going to events that I apparently have attended (e.g. Ricky Gervais stand up with my sister, totally zero memory it ever happened and I love him so I wish I remembered)
  • People ask me about pivotal things that have happened in my daughters life and I have no idea, I don’t recall at all her first crawl, words, birthdays and christmases.
  • I don’t know what movies I have seen, books I have read as I remember only a couple (e.g. I know my favourite book is George orwells 1984 and I know I have read it multiple times as I read one copy to tatters and had repurchase yet I cannot recollect what happens in it, I remember a couple of small details but other than that it’s like I have never read it)
  • I ask the same question multiple times without realising it (is it Monday today?) and I only become aware when I am told.

If I have memories they are like snapshots.  I said to alex when we got married that I was so glad we had a videographer and a photographer for our wedding and we joked that I wouldn’t remember it but I know In my heart I won’t remember 99% by the time my first anniversary comes around in November as it’s already slipping away.

I’m scared to talk about it, I’m scared that I sound like I am being dramatic, as if it’s going to sound stupid when it comes out of mouth.  I’m scared I’m losing my mind but To a degree that I feel this is not normal. 

I am in a really strange place where I don’t know what are my actual memories from what I am appropriating from photographs I have seen.   I tend to see my memories as still images, It’s now very rare that I have moving memories of pretty much anything.  It’s so difficult to explain.  

The most painful part is that I don’t remember anything about a lot of people from my past.  I know names and faces and I obviously know we are friends but I have no memories of interacting with them to the point that we gained that relationship and that really upsets me.

I have tried googling my symptoms but that just leads given a slippery path of guess work, uncertainty and probably thinking the worst so I stopped pretty early on.  However due to my lack of faith in my doctor I feel uneasy sharing this with her as I am already in a complicated relationship of mistrust so where do I go from here?  

I would appreciate anyone’s advice or even just a shared story.  They say the first step is the hardest so I hope by getting this out into the world that this is my first step to a more positive and less frightening future.  

I cannot thank you all enough for listening to me rant on about my useless brain function.  Thank you all for sticking by me.  Personally to my husband Alex, thank you for answering my questions regardless of how many times that day I have repeated it with no judgment, no calling me out and with unparalleled love in your heart.  I asked him a few days ago what he would do if I lost my memory and his answer was so honest and without a seconds hesitation was to ‘love you regardless’,  with support like that my life journey is one I cherish regardless of what may come.

Signing off with love and lipstick,

Pip 💋🖤💄

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The 10 musical soundtracks to my life so far.

Music has always played a massive part of my life, i have worked in a music shop for over 10 years so it has acted as a soundtrack for some of my most impact I’ve moments.  Here’s 10 of the songs that are important to me.

  1. Lorde- Royals, this was the number one song in the charts when my daughter Tilly Mae was born.  It was played everywhere at the time and will always remind me of that moment of my life.
  2. Hozier – Take me to church.  This was the song I walked down the aisle to on my wedding day.  The words are so impactive to me, it still makes me emotional when I hear it.
  3. Daddy Yankee – Gasolina.  This reggaton hit never fails to make me smile and dance. It makes me think of amazing times of drinking rum (run Thursday) with my friend JBaz. We always have the most fun when we hang out.
  4. Lady Gaga – poker face.  This song along with the whole ‘monster’ album reminds me of going to Japan.  I was so shocked that she was unknown when I went to Tokyo and while I was there here career really took off and all of the clubs played it.
  5. Prince – Purple Rain.  This isn’t particularly my favourite Prince song (I’m a huge fan) but it was the song that first introduced me to the little purple one.  It’s also Tilly’s favourite, it warms my heart everytime she hears the first cord of the guitar and her little face lights up.  It was a pivotal moment to see him play this when I saw him live at the 02 arena in London.
  6. The Contours – Do you love me.  I love every song from the Dirty Dancing soundtrack but this one was also mine and my husbands first dance on our big day.  We even had a little dance routine, which of you know my husband was a massive fear overcome.
  7. John Legend -Refuge.  This reminds me of a really hard time in my life and it the words were so important to me when I really needed to be strong.
  8. Coyote Shivers – Sugarhigh.  From one of my favourite ever movies Empire Records,  like one of the plot lines I always wanted to be a singer but never had the guts to stand up and sing In front of people, after a conversation with a friend a few days ago it looks like this is closer to a reality than I thought.
  9. Paul Simon- father and daughter.  This songs lyrics always make me think of my relationship with my dad.  I am and always have been a daddy’s girl, tears me up every time.  
  10. Mary Mary – Shackles (Praise you).  This song takes me back to a time in life when I lived in my first own home. The specific memory it’s tied to is of me walking home from my job at HMV silverlink and the weather was warm and I never wanted it to end.  I always go back there when I hear it.

I love that music pin points us to such feelings and emotions, that take us to the best and worst moments of life .  Life for me wouldn’t be the same without music it was harder to choose the music to go in our wedding than it was choosing my dress.

These songs are not songs that I listen to all the time nor are they all songs I would particularly listen to if I was stranded on a desert island but they are 10 that mean something to me personally, they have become part of the fabric of my life timeline.
Do you have songs that have changed your life or stir up certain memories? I would love to hear about them.

Signing off with love and lipstick,

Pip 💋🖤💄

My frustrating doctors appointment.

My frustrating doctors appointment.

As you may know if you have read my previous blog about suffering with a chronic illness. I am a IBD sufferer. My main personal symptoms are chronic abdominal pain, vomiting and headaches.  I have been on this journey for 15 years and have tried everything. I have been to see consultants, private and NHS, passed from gastroenterology to gynocologists, hypnotherapy, endured every kind of invasive investigative procedure possible and as for medicines I have tried EVERYTHING, no regular anti spasmodic medicines work for me.  I have a high pain threshold but also a high tolerance for medicines so nothing really makes any difference so now it’s a case of managing the pain and for that I am prescribed tramadol and that I only take when I nothing else helps as that too has little effect.

I am currently on my last strip of tramadol and with stress causing a massive IBD and eczema flare up I booked a appointment at my doctor (which in itself took over a week).  Every time I go to my surgery (which I have been at for 5 years and from birth at the one previous) I am seen by a different doctor which would be fine but I am always met with the same blank stares and I have to start my 15 year story from the beginning.

Anyway to the point, I sat down and started explaining that I needed some betnovate for my eczema (a steroid cream that’s the only thing that helps) she started analysing everything I have done up to this point, all of which were wrong (in her eyes!!) and then looked at me and said ‘when did it start we have no records of it?’ Which drives me crazy as I have had it since I was a toddler and I spent most of my teen years hospitalised or in bandages so how can there be no records.  She finally backed down and ‘allowed’  me my cream but also 4 other less potent one she wants me to use.  To add insult to injury she asked me if I wanted a leaflet about living with eczema, errrrmmmmmm NO! 

So I knew by this point she was being a super doctor.  Don’t get me wrong I understand doctors cannot prescribe unknowingly but the prescription for tramadol is a repeat prescription from my previous doctor.  To clear this up I could understand if I had been for a prescription a month or two ago but my last box was given to me in 2015 as I only take them as a last measure.   Like the eczema conversation she said she could see no files to back up my illness which by this point had my anxiety levels peaked.  I explained that I have been sent to many consultants by previous doctors Both at this surgery and my previous doctors so that’s impossible! After some tapping on her computer she relented and  said she could see some letters  from the consultant but she couldn’t give me a pescription as it’s not ‘protocol’and she had to follow the ‘correct pathways’.  So she told me to come back the following day so she could read my letters and make her mind up as to where we go next.  I went back today to be told she was waiting for correspondence from my consultant.  

I was furious and above everything totally frustrated.  I have spent 15 years being poked and prodded and I have followed every piece of advice and taken everything as prescribed and now I feel like I am being questioned as if I use them for some other use.  I was made to feel like a child making my illness up (which as most chronic pain sufferers will understand is one the biggest struggles we endure living with an invisible illness).  Now I have the most awful feeling she will not prescribe me only relief medication and instead try giving me something else and starting investigating again, a total disheartening step back and a waste of time and money.

 I was walking back from the surgery by myself and everything was racing through my mind. 

  •  How can I live with this pain?
  • How can I be in this position again?
  •  What do I do if I have to live in agony without any pain relief? 
  • What about me makes my case so hard to understand?

 The basic answers to the above is I cannot live like this, there is no quality of  life if I have live like this.  This is the whole reason I agreed to go for my last set of investigations, of which pain relief at the time through pescribed drugs were the agreed outcome.

So here I am until next week waiting for the doctor to decide my future, I’m so angry that a women who knows nothing about me or how my illness affects me personally is able to come in and just stop the only thing that makes the physical side of life barable. 

I shall update when I know more and hopefully it’s the answer I need and I’m back to the grind of managing the illness rather than whatever she would want me to endure next, so keep your fingers crossed that she trusts me and hears what she needs to just give me my medication.

Signing off with love and lipstick,

Pip 💋🖤💄

Don’t parent judge me!!

Don’t parent judge me!!


Don’t you just hate it when you are going about your life and all of a sudden you encounter a superparent, you know the ones, they raise their perfect child perfectly.  Guess what dickheads It’s just not happening.  You can’t make me feel bad! I am impressed With myself when it gets to bedtime and I have managed to keep evrything together for another day, my child is still alive and kicking, that’s a bit of positive Parenting for me!! 

However this blog is about the judgey parenting I have encountered in the 3 years I have been a parent to what now is a far too strong willed, diva daughter who manages to fight me all the way but loves me every bit as strongly so it’s all forgiven.

  • CONTROL YOUR CHILD.

Numerous shopping trips have included a Tilly anger pity party for 1 on the floor but you know what I don’t need…….your attitude. Don’t stand there glaring at me she’s 3, she’s in a mood because i said she couldn’t have 7 kinder eggs and she’s decided to make it a vocal protest.  You think I should shut her up? How do you expect me to do this?  It’s not going to happen bud, if I give in now I’m in for a lifetime of it.  So while you look down your nose at me i will smile at you while simultaneously putting that second bottle of Pinot in the trolley.

  • BREAST IS BEST, HOW CAN YOU BOTTLE FEED THATS DETRIMENTAL!  

You know what’s detrimental telling me how to feed my child.  There’s no one good way to feed your baby, If you want to get your baps out and feed your kid feel free, whatever makes you happy, you don’t see me judging you because I don’t care what you do. All that should matter you are looking after your baby to the best of your abilities and that’s just what I am doing.  Formula used to cost me a fortune but feeding from my already deflated boobs just wasn’t for me, the thought of having my mini me suckling off me just made me want to gip.  I didn’t even try and I am over the moon with that decision.  You do you and I’ll do me. This is not a anti breastfeeding rant, I know pleanty of mums who do it and would never judge me this is aimed purely at the ones who go out of there way to quiz you about WHY you made the decision and appear to take your answer a little too personally!

  • YOU LET YOUR CHILD WATCH YOUTUBE? 

 Are you serious what do you think I do, give her the iPad and go out on the tiles?  Get a grip. I always monitor what she’s watching and actually it’s been a help to her.  She has used it to watch videos with sounds, songs, numbers, alphabets since she was very young and yes also the unboxing of surprise eggs (my personal favourite is  when they cut up squishy toys to see what’s inside, not even bothered at the satisfaction this gives me!).  Tilly loves the iPad and plays all sorts of games, music, videos and movies and I’m happy as i do not see it as a bad thing, it’s not like she sits in a darkened room rocking back and forward looking like some kind of Gollum character.  She plays, goes out and has fun at little school.  I have been told on many occasions about how advanced she is for her age and I am positive the ‘tube’ videos are at least partly to thank for this.  Electronics are just the way of the world now and children are using them in a way that we thought only adults were capable of so just pull up your big parent pants and get on with it.

  • OH YOU DONT WORK FULL TIME THAT MUST BE NICE.

Why? U jealous? I Wouldn’t be it’s not like I have any time to myself or a penny to rub together but we are happy.  I work two days a week and that’s more than I would like as I love staying and raising my daughter but I need to help contribute to the house and it keeps my foot in the working door for when mouse starts school.  Don’t think it’s all sunshine and roses like I sit on my arse watching tv shows because it’s nothing like that, I am a cook, cleaner, a snack bitch, drink retriever and general dogs body.  Trust me it’s an easier day for me when I have to get up to go work.  I am not complaining, I chose this and for us it was the best decision.  Work if it’s what you need to do I’m sure you get more luxuries out of life then I do (I don’t even understand what the world holiday means, that’s just the bits of year I get two more children to look after)  but one day when Tilly is all grown I know for myself I did what I could for her.

  • YOU LET YOUR DAUGHTER EAT THAT??! 

Do you want to come and watch as my daughter kicks off because I try to force her to do anything let alone eat food she doesn’t want to??! I dare you to come over with you quinoa She will break you in 5 minutes, you will be in the floor begging for mercy.  So do I feed my unbelievable picky child pizza, chicken nuggets, chips, pasta HELLS YEAH! I’ll feed her whatever she will eat at the moment. I wish she would eat all the natural stuff (don’t get me wrong she loves fruit) but I’m not going to sit back and starve my kid in the hopes she will eat constantly eat healthy.  We have tried her with everything since she was born and she is just picky, she still gets things put on the side which she cannot abide and certain things she can’t get enough of, mainly carrots so I will forever try her on new food.

  • HAVE YOU SEEN HER?

I have long pink hair and I’m covered in tattoos and have heard a million comments about them in hushed tones.  Apparently there’s a percentage of people who live in a make believe land in which these are a detrimental facet in my parenting skills.  Seriously it’s 2017 and most people have tattoos and dye their hair (maybe not a colour as bright as mine but still) I am my own person and my daughter looks up to me, I am just mummy to her and every night as I put her to bed she says ‘mummy I love your hair’.  I teach my daughter individuality, she would never judge you as that’s another thing I teach her so hush your tiny mind and keep your comments to yourself or if you really have something you feel you need to share regarding my appearance feel free to speak to me as a human, I will ALWAYS have an answer ready.

Parenting is hard enough without having your best work judged for the silliest of reasons.  Smile because haters will always hate and as long as you are handling your own business screw what anyone says.  It’s not your issue it’s theirs. 


Signing off with love and lipstick,

Pip 💋🖤💄

A letter to my 12 year old self.


Dear Pip (12 years old),

Hi little Pip, how are you? You must just be Getting over your bad hospital stay and busy dealing the loss of your grandma and uncle.  Remember to Be strong not by suppressing your emotions (which you unfortunately became a master of) but by accepting your feelings and showing them, it’s a good thing to be vulnerable you will in time learn that it’s not a negative attribute to have.

You are geeky and unusual without trying and don’t ever change, you dress sense grows into something people are not used to seeing but think of yourself as a trendsetter, when you feel Alone and ugly know that that look you are constantly mocked for will be a norm in a few years.  You will grow into your own skin (it may take another 15 years but hang in there) and get more than you ever imagined was achievable.

Life will be tough at times, people won’t be nice to you, you will get bullied but always remember you are special and they are sheep, sad and probably lonely adults with a string of unsuccessful relationships because they don’t have compassion and  love in their hearts.  Don’t ever think you deserve it, you don’t and never follow through on the bad thoughts you have about yourself because you will grow and remain strange and unusual looking but you will grow to love yourself and so will others. Don’t let the words of those few nasty people dictate the way you view yourself, you are worthy and enough.

Concentrate at school and apply yourself a little harder, use your brain and you can go places.  You enjoy the arts but you always wish you could go back and do more with history so do it, it is a option for a career. 

Friends are important but not as important as you think they will be, don’t compromise your integrity just to be liked it’s not worth it and neither are those who want a ‘different version’ of you.  The friends you have when you are grown are few but very important and your best friend in the whole world you have known since you were 13/14 but she was a friend of a friend who’s love for you grew over years by simply getting to know you. You don’t need to be popular just yourself.

Appreciate your family, they are your best friends and the biggest fans you will ever have, just give them the time and the chance.  Be open and share your heart with them and the feeling will be reciprocated, you don’t need to hide away from them they would never judge you regardless of your ‘look’ or life choices.

Dream big, love unreserved and you can get anything and go anywhere your heart takes you.

Signing off with love and lipstick,

Pip (33 years old)

Potty training, the REAL story!

Potty training, the REAL story!


My daughter Tilly Mae is 3 years and 3 months af age and she has just decided she wants to be a big girl and toilet train.

Over the past year I have looked at hundreds of articles, books and blogs about the subject and the most common theme was ‘how to train your toddler in 3 days’ i found this more and more disheartening the more times we tried and failed. If  I wrote a guide it would be titled the less catchy ‘how to try and train your child at anything ever’

We have tried to potty train her 3 times prior to this and honestly it has caused more damage than leaving her to her own devices.  The last time (summer last year) I remember holding her on the potty trying to explain and compromise what was happening which ended with her screaming so hard she made herself vomit (I mean seriously!!) All I could think was What was I doing wrong, she was nearly 3 and had no intention of moving forward? I must be a bad mum? Why can’t she be like the other kids? The answer to all the above is quite simply she’s not all the other kids, SHES MINE  no two are alike. 

Just after the last attempt at training she stopped pooping, I don’t know if it was a coincidence but I blame myself pushing and decided she could tell me when she was ready.  She was so scared when the urge came her little eyes filled with fear. At her worst she went without a bowel movement for 7 days she was awake all night, she was in agony, covered in a rash, temperature souring and sickness to boot, basically her own body was poisoning her.  We took her to hospital (she had a poo in the waiting room TYPICAL!). We hoped it was all ok and thought it was over but one week later I was at the doctor pleading for help.  She was given movicol (a laxative powder I put in her milk) it’s not a cure and she still has difficulty but she is getting to the point where she’s not rocking back and forward in the corner reciting her brothers and cousins names for distraction. I know how to spot the signs and I have tried to incorporate this into the toilet training but she is currently in a nappy for when this sensation comes, come on its just a glitch I am willing to wait and work on.

I’m so sick of hearing ‘perfect’ parents sharing stories of ‘how wonderful’ and ‘easy’ potty training was for them.  Nobody ever shares the tales of nightmare training,  giving faith to us tired mums pulling our hair out.  But it happens, my struggle has been over a year in the making.  The reality from my point of view is that shit literally happens (even if it needs help 😂).  Children are just non programmed mini people that need help even if in my instance a insanely independent one who thinks she doesn’t.  She dictated when she was ready and that’s been it we haven’t looked back, she finally showing willingness and I’m still a little bit in shock. 

Mouse is only 3 days in but she’s doing so well and she’s so chuffed with herself.  Tomorrow will be the true test, going out of the house with no nappy then off to little school with her new ‘superpower’ and 5,000 pairs of ‘nackers’ ready for accidents. She’s not perfect and it’s not a journey that’s over yet but it’s one step closer to her being a grown up so take your time, be patient one day they will be an adult and won’t need you so intensely.  

Listen to your child, not a textbook, programme or social media page if they are not ready don’t panic the day will come. Being a parent is a hard enough job without adding any more unnecessary pressure on yourself or your little one, one day this will all be a distant memory when they are ready it will happen organically so don’t sweat it. You are doing a great job don’t ever forget it. 

Signing off with love and lipstick,

Pip 🖤💄

Step Parenting not a job for the faint hearted.

Step Parenting not a job for the faint hearted.

OUR FAMILY.

I have faced many challenges in my lifetime, most coming from my own making and something I can usually resolve myself.  This one is the hardest one I have ever faced, a situation of which I have no control and that’s being a step parent.

When I met my now husband Alex I knew he had kids from his previous relationship but for a long time I had nothing to do with them (roughly the first year or so!) so although it was something I was aware of our relationship was based on a couple s and not a parenting role.  

I  am going to be open and as honest as I can about the relationship we have.  

It went from being kept away from the children  to a very intense parenting role very quickly which I struggled with.  I had nephews at the time (one I lived with and helped raise for the first 2 years of his life) but this was a very different story.  

James is Alex’s oldest son (10) at the time he came into my life he was 5 and had been through a hard parental break up.  He was young but smart enough to know how to play his parents off against each other (kids learn this so quickly) that mixed with Alex’s feelings of guilt for the breakup he was allowed to dictate the situation but for some reason other than his neediness of his fathers attention we have always gotten on well and I like to think now 5 years later we have a good relationship.  He listens to me and we are very open and honest with one another.  I help him with tasks such as homework and I seem to be the one who can talk to him when he’s being irrational and he always takes what I say on board so hopefully this will continue into his adulthood.

Alex’s youngest son Josh (5) was not even born when we got together so has never known his mum and dad to share a live in parental role.  Alex spent long hours at his ex wife’s home when josh was born (which I was understanding and accepting of, maybe a little more than I should have been!) so I took a massive back seat in our relationship, which I will be honest I was at times a little resentful of.  The first real memories I had of any kind of interaction with josh was his first birthday at our tiny one bedrooms flat.  It was nice and the boys came to stay every weekend after that.  The relationship I have with josh is a very different one than the one I have with James.  I feel like I take on a more parental role with josh than that of a friend role like I do with James.  I deal with tantrums, bad behaviour and punishment with josh, he is closer in age to Tilly so they normally get into trouble together so are both usually in the firing line.  We have a more temperamental connection and there’s times we get on like a house on fire and he tells me he loves me and then there’s times he says he hates me, when it gets to this point I’m not usually his biggest fan either.  Since marrying alex our bond has strengthened and shows hope for a better future.

I feel people with step kids are usually made to feel like we should automatically love the kids as if they are own but I will be honest and say this is not a reality.  When you have a child of your own (the same goes for a child toward there own parent) you sign a unwritten contract which ties you into a love that is unconditional.  Step parenting is a role that takes hard work, it’s not something that always naturally happens but with time and the right energy it can become something that grows into a very unique connection. Don’t get me wrong I always refer to them as ‘our boys’ i protect them and am protective of them, I feed them, clean their clothes, talk to them about personal things but   I have no desire to be mum to them they have a mum of their own and I would never over step my role in the boys lives. 

I know some people may not understand why or how I feel this way but think about it, what do you find wrong? Do I love them? Yes, do I look after them and their welfare? Yes but in the same way as my biological daughter? No.  The boys respect me and their fathers relationship but they don’t love me like a mum and I am totally fine with that.  I will continue to support my husband and the pre made family I signed up for and when they have babies of their own I will be there for those babies too.  Love comes in all shapes and forms so don’t ever think you know better.  It takes a certain type of person and a strong heart to love another persons children and raise them when you don’t technically have to.

Signing off with love and lipstick,

Pip 💋🖤