Today’s blog is about something that scares me about myself more than anything and that’s my memory loss. My memory has been noticeably decreasing in its capabilities for about the last 10 years and the last few years its has increasingly becoming something I’m aware of. I have mentioned it in passing to my loved ones but never really in any depth, I tend to bury my head in the sand when it comes to serious matters so not to trigger my anxiety but this might bring me to the next step in the knowledge on what’s happpening to me.
I know people say ‘oh I can’t remember that long ago’ but my memory loss is becoming a cause for concern. I cannot hold onto memories, non important and important details of life. It’s a scary place to be and if I’m honest I’m petrified as I know it’s not just ‘normal’ memory loss.
Small examples of some of the things I mean.
- I cannot remember what has happened in a movie I have watched within a couple of hours of watching it.
- I have no recollection of going to events that I apparently have attended (e.g. Ricky Gervais stand up with my sister, totally zero memory it ever happened and I love him so I wish I remembered)
- People ask me about pivotal things that have happened in my daughters life and I have no idea, I don’t recall at all her first crawl, words, birthdays and christmases.
- I don’t know what movies I have seen, books I have read as I remember only a couple (e.g. I know my favourite book is George orwells 1984 and I know I have read it multiple times as I read one copy to tatters and had repurchase yet I cannot recollect what happens in it, I remember a couple of small details but other than that it’s like I have never read it)
- I ask the same question multiple times without realising it (is it Monday today?) and I only become aware when I am told.
If I have memories they are like snapshots. I said to alex when we got married that I was so glad we had a videographer and a photographer for our wedding and we joked that I wouldn’t remember it but I know In my heart I won’t remember 99% by the time my first anniversary comes around in November as it’s already slipping away.
I’m scared to talk about it, I’m scared that I sound like I am being dramatic, as if it’s going to sound stupid when it comes out of mouth. I’m scared I’m losing my mind but To a degree that I feel this is not normal.
I am in a really strange place where I don’t know what are my actual memories from what I am appropriating from photographs I have seen. I tend to see my memories as still images, It’s now very rare that I have moving memories of pretty much anything. It’s so difficult to explain.
The most painful part is that I don’t remember anything about a lot of people from my past. I know names and faces and I obviously know we are friends but I have no memories of interacting with them to the point that we gained that relationship and that really upsets me.
I have tried googling my symptoms but that just leads given a slippery path of guess work, uncertainty and probably thinking the worst so I stopped pretty early on. However due to my lack of faith in my doctor I feel uneasy sharing this with her as I am already in a complicated relationship of mistrust so where do I go from here?
I would appreciate anyone’s advice or even just a shared story. They say the first step is the hardest so I hope by getting this out into the world that this is my first step to a more positive and less frightening future.
I cannot thank you all enough for listening to me rant on about my useless brain function. Thank you all for sticking by me. Personally to my husband Alex, thank you for answering my questions regardless of how many times that day I have repeated it with no judgment, no calling me out and with unparalleled love in your heart. I asked him a few days ago what he would do if I lost my memory and his answer was so honest and without a seconds hesitation was to ‘love you regardless’, with support like that my life journey is one I cherish regardless of what may come.
Signing off with love and lipstick,