I can honestly say that I never wanted children, I loved living my own life too much, travelling, going out and doing what I wanted when I wanted to. Then I found out I was pregnant a week after being made redundant from my job and even then I still didn’t want children but so much had changed in my life, my partner had two children from a previous relationship so it’s not like we were as ‘free’ as I had once been so one of my own wouldn’t hurt, would it?.
I had a blood test for Down’s syndrome when I was 14 weeks pregnant (the last possible day they could do it) this came back as negative but I had low levels of PAPPA which is a indicator that I might have placenta issues during my pregnancy such as pre eclampsia,placental abruption, premature birth or even fetal death. I was informed at this point, over the phone that because of my test results I would be closely monotored throughout my pregnancy and I had to be re scanned every 4 weeks to check on her size (she was a little small but I am only 5ft 2inches so this wasn’t a massive shock) I was also told I would not be allowed to carry over 40 weeks.
Everything was normal during my pregnancy until I was diagnosed with pre eclampsia at 36 weeks. The condition had gotten to a dangerous stage so I was taken into hospital to be checked and the decision was made that I would be immediately induced (on the day I supposed getting my hair done in preparation!) like the little tyke I know and love she was a total nightmare, my body served her an eviction notice but she was a dirty squatter with zero intentions of leaving .
With alex and my mum by my side I was in for a long battle! 3 pessaries and 3 synthetic oxytocin injections later and I was only 3cm dialated, the doctor broke my water hoping to quicken the labour but to no avail, apparently I have a ‘awkward womb’ that faces the wrong way that they realised,after 28 hours, was going to make natural labour almost impossible . Finally after 34 hours of trying, at 6am both baby and my body were in medical distress and I was taken in for an emergency C section.
That was the weirdest experience of my life so far, a cheeky lower back Anestetetic injection made my bum go all warm then nothing, no sensation at all. They lay me down and I started shaking uncontrollably (a side effect of the anestetic) it was so bizarre, laying down talking to alex behind a blue screen while trying to control the shaking which just didn’t happen. I don’t know how long it took the team of surgeons to complete the task of removing TillyMae but it couldn’t have been more than 20 minutes, then I finally heard it…….the cry, the screech of an angry little human who was really pissed off that she had been removed from her cosy little haven, it didn’t stop they took her away to be cleaned, checked weighed and measured while I was being repaired and stitched up they became the soundtrack always playing. When she was put on my still quivering chest she was still sobbing (the kid still knows how to hold a grudge) my first words to her are etched in my mind I said ‘hello baby’ and the tears instantly stopped, it’s like she knew my voice, where she was and that it was ok.
I was released after 3 days to be taken back 3 days later after my routine midwife check because my pre eclampsia hadn’t gone it had actually worsened post childbirth. I hadn’t thought much of the headache I had since having Tilly nothing shifted it and I assumed it was just my hormones sending my body haywire…WRONG! It turned out my blood pressure was so dangerously high I was on the brink of a heart attack, nothing’s ever straight forward for me! I got rushed back to the post natal ward I had just left but I was put into a private room, apparently I needed silence and total calm to bring my it down. I was allowed to take mouse into hospital with me but alex had taken his week paternity leave from work and other than visiting hours we were separated the whole time. I finally got out over a week later and the rest is history.
It is said you are supposed to love your child the second you lay eyes on them, a ‘special’ bond of love and between mother and child but to me in retrospect was the worst thing that could be said to an impending mother. I didn’t have these feelings, I didn’t unconditionally adore this tiny human and I felt awful because of it, I feared I wouldn’t feel love and I didn’t feel the feelings that were claimed i would. I was protective but not in love, this took a while, I am unsure how long but she grew on me until one day I just got it. Tilly Mae now completes me, she is my everything and I love her unconditionally.
My message to impending first time mothers is to get checked if you don’t feel well and don’t EVER feel pressured into believing you automatically feel love it will come when you get to know your little bundle. You are normal.
Signing off with love and lipstick,