I will never do THAT when I’m a mum…..

When younger, free of kids and the responsibility that goes with it we can so easily look at other mothers and say,

“I will NEVER do that when I’m a mother”

The flip side of this simple thought is something completely different.  It’s easy to sit back with your full nights sleep and ‘me’ time and idealise that you will be some kind of Snow whitesque parent but In all reality when it comes down to it you will do ANYTHING for a easy and peaceful life.

I was sat in the doctors waiting room yesterday with a woman who was heavily pregnant and her son who was about to turn one.  He was running around and being a typical kid but you could see she was anxious at people’s looks.  Me and my sister struck up a conversation with her as she bribed her son into sitting in his pushchair with the promise of a lollipop.  She was making a point of telling us that it was a ‘treat’ and that ‘he doesn’t normally get sweets.  I stopped her in her tracks and explained what we have kids and she didn’t have to explain herself to us, as trust us we understand.

Some days your kids are being proper douchey,they are just in a mood for no sane reason where they don’t want to eat, they cry, they are overly clingy and at this point there is only so long you can remain calm before chucking a packet of gummy bears to them just to make it stop, even if it is for 5 minute while they demolish the sugary treat like tiny cannibals.  

The other day Tilly woke up crying and I knew I was in for a day from hell before I even got out of bed.  She was sobbing her heart out and when i asked her what was wrong apparently I had ruined her life because I don’t let her go in the bath wearing a swimming costume!!? I mean come on kid what the actual hell are you talking about, this has never even been a discussion but hell if it makes you happy and stops the crying let me grab a vatt of tea and I will run you a bath feel free to wear what you fancy.  By the time we went downstairs she found my iPad and put on max and ruby (I have many issues with this programme, where’s their parents for a start) and she totally forgot about the mornings meltdown a mere 10 minutes prior!

Many Kids are weird eaters and mine is no exception.  She’s a non eater, she has no appetite at all (apart from ‘treats’), so when she asks for something I feed her it but in a typical day she survives of rice crispies, crumpets, chicken nuggets and a variation of other crap.  She will rub her tummy and say ‘I’m hungry’ when I say what do you want she always says ‘sweets’, well your not really hungry then are you little mate!  

She LOVES YouTube, I mean loves it, potentially more than she loves me.  I would always say, ‘I’m not having my child watch that trash’ now I’m SO on board with the gods of tube.  It teaches her so much and makes her happy.  It’s not like she’s on it 24/7 but if it gets me a extra hour in bed in the morning well I’m not stupid, sign me up.

I used to feed Tilly Crisps in her pushchair when going around the shops if it stopped her from having the mother of all meltdowns and I’m not even ashamed.

She is allowed to think she runs the show when needed but in all reality she knows who’s boss, just ask her she always responds with ‘mummy’s the boss’.

My daughter is fierce and independent and I allow much more than I ever thought I would but trust me I now realise I had some twisted notion that I would be some kind tattooed stepford wife when in reality during my short period of being a mum so far I have sneaked a bar or two of chocolate into the toilet, locked the door and eaten it while Tilly’s been pounding on the other side just for a minute to regain my sanity, it ain’t glamorous but needs must when the devil drives.

The make believe movie adaptation of motherhood now makes me laugh, most of us are lucky to function and if it takes bribery, trickery and all the handed down magic to make it work then that’s just what we will do.  The reality never fits the ideal and I have the support of my husband so when I see single mothers/fathers holding their own I want to hug them and congratulate them on having the strength and surviving.

I love my kids but don’t get me wrong I’m getting my own back with 5am starts and uncontrollable hysterics when they are teens, it’s character building.

Signing off with love and lipstick,

Pip 💋🖤💄


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