Do you ever think of me.  A open letter to my teen bullies.

Do you ever think of me.  A open letter to my teen bullies.

Hello, do you remember me?

I am the girl that nobody noticed except you and your friends.  You did not notice me because I am kind, patient, loving and accepting but because I looked different. You didn’t choose to get to know me you chose to target me.

Do you ever think of me? What happened to me? How your words and actions affected me?

I can tell you I am well infact my life has worked itself out to be a thing of beauty but no thanks to you all.  I have lifelong fears and doubts about myself that never would have existed without you.  I looked different, it didn’t mean I was a ‘freak’, I liked things you did not this did not mean ‘I deserved it’.

You made my life misery, when I think of that time my world has so muddy and grey with sadness and uncertainty.  I used to fake illness to be sent home rather than have to face you and endure the words you would call me in constant hushed tones so the teacher wouldn’t hear and I would pray the teacher wouldn’t be called out of the room because when this did happen you would send out the call to the others in the class and you would all start on me. You would hit me with ruler, spit at me and throw things among other threats.

I understand now how strong I actually was because you didn’t break me, you could have but I was stronger than that. I can see how people commit suicide because of bullying as I felt I had nowhere to turn even though I have a very loving and supportive family I felt  I couldn’t open up or it would get worse. I only ever made one attempt at getting help. I reached out to a male teacher of importance and without a second thought he replied with ‘what do you think will happen when you dress like that’ ans nothing more was ever mentioned.  I am so thankful that social media didn’t exist or I am unsure of the outcome.  I know bullying is a focus within schools these days but as one of the bullied this only works if it’s seen or heard, my scenario went totally unnoticed.  I was finally caught out by my mum who pinned in a corner and could see through all of the excuses I made until I let the wall down and admitted what was happening.

The impact you have had on me is so significant, my life has been changed because of you but on a positive I am even more accepting of others, more open to new and different things but I will not allow you to take credit for that because it was all me.

I forgive you for what you did to me, I often wonder what made you all so cruel wether you were mistreated from someone?  I hope your life is good that you protect any children you may have and teach them to be better than you were.  Above all else I hope you realise what you did and think about it from time to time with regret.

Signing off with love and lipstick,

Pip 💋🖤💄

The unwelcome visitor.

Today I have a visitor.

She hasn’t visited for a while.

The hours tick by and she gets harder to ignore.

She creeps inside and makes herself comfortable.

I notice her, she catches me off guard.

My chest fills, fills with her bitterness,

She swells to fill the cavity Behind my ribs, it becomes difficult to breathe.

I pace, still there, I distract myself, still lurking.

I don’t like the days she visits.

She doesn’t care that everything is going well.

They don’t get better, only the sleep will bring solice.

My body becomes my conflict.

The sleep will be difficult, she will taunt me until the early hours.

Hopefully I will sleep.

Hopefully she will leave.

At least hopefully for a while.

Signing off with love and lipstick

Pip 💋🖤💄