The unwelcome visitor.

Today I have a visitor.

She hasn’t visited for a while.

The hours tick by and she gets harder to ignore.

She creeps inside and makes herself comfortable.

I notice her, she catches me off guard.

My chest fills, fills with her bitterness,

She swells to fill the cavity Behind my ribs, it becomes difficult to breathe.

I pace, still there, I distract myself, still lurking.

I don’t like the days she visits.

She doesn’t care that everything is going well.

They don’t get better, only the sleep will bring solice.

My body becomes my conflict.

The sleep will be difficult, she will taunt me until the early hours.

Hopefully I will sleep.

Hopefully she will leave.

At least hopefully for a while.

Signing off with love and lipstick

Pip πŸ’‹πŸ–€πŸ’„

“Opinions are like arseholes, everyones got one”Β 

“Opinions are like arseholes,  everyones got one”Β 

In today’s society social media and online life is EVERYTHING, from the kids like my children who spend time on sites like YouTube to myself, who use multiple sites simultaneously up to my parents and older who use platforms such as Facebook.
I think that a presence online is a crucial part of my existence.  Obviously I use WordPress for my blogging, Facebook not only to socialize with family and friends but as a way of connecting with amazing new people I normally would never of had the opportunity to connect with.  I also use Instagram to keep up to date with all of the latest news snippets from my favourite brands, celebrities, friends and family. While on Twitter I hold both a personal and blog site. That’s just the forms of social media I use in a regular basis.  

While online I have noticed in a increasingly alarming rate just how openly people speak to others with total disregard of feelings and 90% of the time without the facts.  Theres nothing I hate more than pompous idiots who think that its ‘my way or the highway’ when it comes to opinions.

Everybody has the right to indulge themselves online with a cheeky slice outward sharing, in both words and pictures and alot of the time we share our inner most feelings especially within specific pages and groups where we feel secure.  Facebook has a plethera of pages for every kind of interest where likeminded people meet and share interests from makeup and food to sheep shearing and hamster gymnastics (i made that one up but i bet it exists) basically something for everyone.

A few of the pages I’m in allow people to submit, anonymously, very private and sometimes secret  matters to get an outsiders opinion, things like women asking  which of two men look most like there baby, or what to do about obviously cheating spouses with such topics sparking extreme reactions people are always going to give there two cents and feel free to give it with disregard of people under the guise that ‘they asked’ when in reality they are humans and deserve to be treat like that regardless of situation.

I am part of many makeup groups and the comments i see on posted  photographs are shocking, sexist and dehumanising all because a girl or boy likes the art of painting their face to feel good about themselves or just to express creativity.  So you dont like the way they look for whatever reason what he hell does it matter to you? do you have to live with this person? why does it upset you to the point that comments need to be made in a vain attempt to crush someone.  Unfortunatly i have noticed a massive influx of people trolling lately and being nasty and often disgusting to theres just for the sake of stirring.  Faceless People are so brave behind keyboards and as largely unpoliced they are allowed to spout vile and often degrading crap without having to deal with the fallout.  They don’t have to deal with the person on the other side to see the hurt in their eyes, the anger they cause, the anxiety that crippled and even in desperate and heartbreaking cases the suicide those most severely effected.

I recently read a status from a beautiful lady, who I will call ‘S’.  This was a public status put up for those who are a part of the group.  This is someone who i have never met in person but whos life i follow closely through social media and i know her and engage with her on a personal level along with a few from the same page.  She shares her life, family, passions and struggles with others openly on her group page and really puts herself out there.  ‘S’ lives on a farm and has a daugter a little younger than mine.  She has bought her some baby chicks to help raise for eggs and was showing us how her daughter reacted to her new friends.  The whole point behind it is to show and teach her daughter to respect animals and to watch them grow and lay eggs and how it becomes food.  Basically our part in the chain of life while teaching how to care for animals.  REMEMBERING ‘S’ already has chickens on her farm i thought it a smart move but one woman decided to snake all over the post.  This one smartarse who i shall call ‘ShiftyV’ decided to take it upon herself to go on a one woman trolling mission against ‘S’ being condescending and bitchy trying to tell anyone how much ‘S’ was ‘exploiting animals’ how she was ‘using them for your own gain’ (well she already stated she was raising them for eggs?!) and how she was ‘not sorry for caring more about animals than your feelings’ (the whole converstaion was just an esculation of her defensivness and dickbagery).  She was being a complete douche, throwing around the fact she was vegan as an excuse to be rude, disrespectful and forcing her opinions on others.  She was basically going on a witchunt in an attempt to make ‘S’ feel bad, to make her feel as if she was doing something wrong, rather than just sharing that she had an opposing opinion.  The whole scinario was just insane, its not like someone had randomly just bought some chicks on a whim, thrown them at her child and told her to crack on (excuse the pun).  I hate when radicals use the term to bully and pressure others.

I feel many people use social media for a similar reason I write my blog, to make others feel a little less alone, a community, no matter how weird and hard our lives seem no matter the differing backgrounds and adversitys we have faced, we have twin souls all over the world.  That is what social media should be used for, for unity for love and friendship.  In this day and age nobody should ever be made to feel alone with a world full of people to communicate with but the human condition of competition, bitterness and jelously .

So next time you see someone trolling, stand up and say something.  That could be your loved one and likewise if you know the troll personally call them out.  Be better, choose better, feel self worth, inner strength and help educate those less caring.  Like my mother taught me ‘if you have nothing nice to say, don’t say anything.

 

Signing off with love and lipstick.

Pip

 

 

 

Is breast best?Β 

Is breast best?Β 


I decided to write this post after a received a message from a fellow mum asking for my opinion on the ongoing debate Breast feeding v bottle feeding.  This is a topic that refuses to desist so here I am to give my personal opinions on it all.  

Tilly Mae is 3 years and 3 months so it has been a while since I had to   Make the choice but the same issues are circling like hawks above new mothers heads and I think it’s getting worse if anything .

Everywhere I have looked lately I have noticed a massive influx in pictures of women breastfeeding or articles about how it’s so much better than bottle feeding. First things first I have no issue with mothers choosing to feed their children from their own milk but I just wish the same courtesy had been extended to me throughout my experience of bottle feeding. From the go I bottle fed and I have no regrets.
 

Anyone reading this who chooses to think that I am in anyway dissing boob feeders can just unlike, unfollow or just generally do one because this is not at all what I am doing.  I also believe that if you choose to breastfeed you should be allowed to and it wherever and whenever it is needed it really bothers me that people have to make such a stand by protesting/posting photographs  for it to be normalised.  

I didn’t even heat my daughters bottles up, I always used room temperature, sterilised formula from day one and I never had any issue but again this is not a blog focusing on how I prepped my child’s food, do what works for you .
I received such judgement from day one from mid wives, nurses, healthcare workers and generally other mothers about my lack of desire to feed Tilly from my own milk. I was made to feel like a bad mum for choosing not to breast feed but I know I am a good mother for choosing what’s I feel more comfortable as an opinion for my child. 
I have just watched a video made by bottle feeding mothers defending themselves which just annoys the heck out of me EVERY SINGLE ONE gave excuses as to why they didn’t breastfeed 
‘It hurt my nipples’

‘I didn’t produce enough milk’

I hate that mothers are made to feel like they need to come up with reasons why the chose formula. Don’t feel pressured to do anything choose your own path. My reason for not breastfeeding is that the thought of it creeped me out, I’m not ashamed of my opinion or my choice because that’s exactly what it is a choice.  
I’m sick of mothers mud slinging at each other for not standing by a certain idea when we should be standing side by side for raising out children the best way we can. It’s yet another non argument that causes such strong reactions within the different fractions.
We are all parents. Bottle feeding was good for me it allowed me the freedom that I wanted, it allowed my husband and family to share in then joy of feeding our daughter and gave me a break when I needed it most.
We would all go mad if it was an argument like ‘what’s the best way to raise a child, within a religious or non religious movement?’ It doesn’t matter, people should just stop it we are all just fighting about what and who’s best when we should be fighting to have all children and parents treated equally regardless of something so trivial as how they are fed.

Signing off with love and lipstick,
Pip πŸ–€πŸ’‹πŸ’„

A rediagnosis has given me my life back.

A rediagnosis has given me my life back.

I can finally share the joy that is my re diagnosis for the ongoing medical issues I have had over the past 15 years.  I have spent almost half of my life in chronic pain, being sent from gastroenterologists to gynaecologists and back more times than I care to remember been subjected to every test I can think of to try and pin down what is wrong with me.  

I tried to get my repeat pescription for my tramadol only to be refused by my new gp, let’s just say I was less than impressed.  I was given a pescription for indigestion (a hernia was found during my last endoscopy) but this is something I barely suffer with so in a huff I told the doctor she could keep her medication and that I wanted another appointment to investigate this problem.

My younger sister is a sister at the RVI hospital in Newcastle so I asked her to accompany me for reassurance and help with getting the seriousness of my condition over to a woman I felt was not taking me seriously.

Anyway, i sat down in the same chair in the same surgery I have been going to for over 5 years since I moved into the area.  I was waiting for it and the doctor didn’t fail ‘what are your symptoms’ my whole person automatically went on the defensive.  I have fought to have my case heard so many times, I wish I had a pound for every time I have said the words vomiting, nausea and chronic lower abdominal pain I would be a very rich girl!  

So I explained the symptoms again, while she typed it into her computer and out of the corner of my eye I could see my sisters head shaking and eyes rolling, she backed up my every word and made it crystal clear the direction my life was heading if nothing was done.  

It just so happened that my sister mentioned that people can physically see when I ‘get my pains’, that all colour instantly drains from my face (like I’m not pale enough!) and something changed in the doctors demeanour.  She started on her computer and explained that she thinks she knows what it could be.

She has diagnosed me as having abdominal migraines.  After reading up on it, I tick every box of symptoms

  • Severe Stomach pain that isn’t in one specific spot (non-localized pain)
  • Nausea
  • Vomiting
  • Loss of appetite (not as much now as when it all started when I dropped over 5 stone in a matter of months)
  • General malaise, overall discomfort, uneasiness
  • Often there is no head pain, just the stomach discomfort and pain
  • Symptoms completely go away between episodes.
  • Lack of energy.
  • Pain that lasts 3-72 hours.

Abdominal migraine was overlooked as it is so rare in adults.  Approximately 2% of children suffer from and much, much fewer adults.  It is often mistaken as IBD, IBS or lactose intolerance.

There are many triggers that lead to an attack such as

  • Stress.  Both positive and negative stresses can lead to a flare up.  I stress a lot and I have always noticed that this is a massive trigger with me.
  • Changes in sleeping patterns.
  • Fasting or skipping meals. 
  • Excercise (at least I am safe from this one)
  • Certain foods have been identified as triggers.  Chocolate, cheese, Citrus fruits, alcohol and foods containing MSG and preserved meats such as hotdogs or sausages.

I can’t tell you the relief I feel at having what feels like the Perfect diagnosis.  I have spent my life feeling like my many diagnosis didn’t quite fit but this one really feels like it fits.  When I came out of the doctors I felt like I had my life back.

I have been given medication.  My medication is what given to treat regular migraines.  I have to take 2 as soon as I feel an attack coming on. I have had what I feel would have been 2 attacks and the symptoms all but disappeared within 30 minutes of taking the tablets so fingers crossed this is the answer I have been waiting 15 years for.  

I feel like I can plan things which for me has always been difficult as I never know when I will be ill or how bad it will make me.  I can see a future which for me is such relief in itself.

I hope my ongoing battle and this blog has been an insight into what it is like being me and as this is such a rare diagnosis I hope maybe someone out there who’s been potentially misdiagnosed can read this and take it further.  Your illness isn’t always as it seems never give up the fight, you are stronger than you realise.

Signing off with love and lipstick,

Pip πŸ’‹πŸ–€πŸ’„

Is that my biological clock ticking?

Is that my biological clock ticking?



So we are finally in a settled routine with Tilly and the boys.  School, pickups, drop offs and even the minor things are ironed out and I am a massive fan of routine and I like everything just so.

I went to the doctors who have diagnosed me with abdominal migraines and they have said that I need the coil fitted as my pill is a massive contributing factor to my illness which has stirred up some unknown feelings inside me about having babies.

I am nearly 34 and Tilly will be 4 this year with her brothers being 6 and 11 respectively, if I want another baby now is the time to do it, I’m getting on and when I have the coil fitted it will be in for 3 years and I wouldn’t take it out to try. 

Alex is content to not have anymore but if I wanted to try he would be 100% on board with my decision.  I’m totally torn on the idea.  On one hand I have mouse begging me for a baby sister (she has no idea we don’t choose) and then on the flip side I don’t know if I could go back to the disruption and intensity of having a newborn so I have decided to do what I do what I do best and that’s to make a pro/cons list 

Pros 

  • A live in sibling for mouse.
  • Having a little human who needs us as much as mouse.
  • Carrying a baby inside me, other than the indigestion it was the most amazing experience I have had as a woman.
  • Tilly would have a full time live in sibling.
  • WHO DOESNT LOVE A BABY!!

Cons 

  • Cost (baby’s are expensive)
  • Space (we have a 3 bedroom home, 1 for us, 1 for mouse and 1 for the boys when they come over.
  • Just getting my life back.
  • My dreams of a career change would be on hold again.
  • My age, I wish I had mouse earlier.

I fear my heart is trying to overrule my head.  I never wanted children yet here we are with 3 between us and another seems crazy when I say it out loud but some of the most important humans in my life are my two amazing sisters, my life would be nothing without their love and support and my heart aches that mouse won’t have that relationship, if her siblings lived closer I think my worries would be eased.

This blog isn’t really helping my cause, I’m just as confused as when I started so fingers crossed a decision just comes to me. I know everyone has their thoughts on the matter both to and against but this is solely one only myself and my husband can finally come to.  So who knows what this year will hold for the Flecks.

Signing off with love and lipstick,

Pip πŸ’‹πŸ–€πŸ’„

Am I losing my mind?

Am I losing my mind?

Today’s blog is about something that scares me about myself more than anything and that’s my memory loss.  My memory has been noticeably decreasing in its capabilities for about the last 10 years and the last few years its has increasingly becoming something I’m aware of.  I have mentioned it in passing to my loved ones but never really in any depth, I tend to bury my head in the sand when it comes to serious matters so not to trigger my anxiety but this might bring me to the next step in the knowledge on what’s happpening to me.

I know people say ‘oh I can’t remember that long ago’ but my memory loss is becoming a cause for concern.  I cannot hold onto memories, non important and important details of life.  It’s a scary place to be and if I’m honest I’m petrified as I know it’s not just ‘normal’ memory loss. 

Small examples of some of the things I mean.

  • I cannot remember what has happened in a movie I have watched within a couple of hours of watching it.
  • I have no recollection of going to events that I apparently have attended (e.g. Ricky Gervais stand up with my sister, totally zero memory it ever happened and I love him so I wish I remembered)
  • People ask me about pivotal things that have happened in my daughters life and I have no idea, I don’t recall at all her first crawl, words, birthdays and christmases.
  • I don’t know what movies I have seen, books I have read as I remember only a couple (e.g. I know my favourite book is George orwells 1984 and I know I have read it multiple times as I read one copy to tatters and had repurchase yet I cannot recollect what happens in it, I remember a couple of small details but other than that it’s like I have never read it)
  • I ask the same question multiple times without realising it (is it Monday today?) and I only become aware when I am told.

If I have memories they are like snapshots.  I said to alex when we got married that I was so glad we had a videographer and a photographer for our wedding and we joked that I wouldn’t remember it but I know In my heart I won’t remember 99% by the time my first anniversary comes around in November as it’s already slipping away.

I’m scared to talk about it, I’m scared that I sound like I am being dramatic, as if it’s going to sound stupid when it comes out of mouth.  I’m scared I’m losing my mind but To a degree that I feel this is not normal. 

I am in a really strange place where I don’t know what are my actual memories from what I am appropriating from photographs I have seen.   I tend to see my memories as still images, It’s now very rare that I have moving memories of pretty much anything.  It’s so difficult to explain.  

The most painful part is that I don’t remember anything about a lot of people from my past.  I know names and faces and I obviously know we are friends but I have no memories of interacting with them to the point that we gained that relationship and that really upsets me.

I have tried googling my symptoms but that just leads given a slippery path of guess work, uncertainty and probably thinking the worst so I stopped pretty early on.  However due to my lack of faith in my doctor I feel uneasy sharing this with her as I am already in a complicated relationship of mistrust so where do I go from here?  

I would appreciate anyone’s advice or even just a shared story.  They say the first step is the hardest so I hope by getting this out into the world that this is my first step to a more positive and less frightening future.  

I cannot thank you all enough for listening to me rant on about my useless brain function.  Thank you all for sticking by me.  Personally to my husband Alex, thank you for answering my questions regardless of how many times that day I have repeated it with no judgment, no calling me out and with unparalleled love in your heart.  I asked him a few days ago what he would do if I lost my memory and his answer was so honest and without a seconds hesitation was to ‘love you regardless’,  with support like that my life journey is one I cherish regardless of what may come.

Signing off with love and lipstick,

Pip πŸ’‹πŸ–€πŸ’„

My frustrating doctors appointment.

My frustrating doctors appointment.

As you may know if you have read my previous blog about suffering with a chronic illness. I am a IBD sufferer. My main personal symptoms are chronic abdominal pain, vomiting and headaches.  I have been on this journey for 15 years and have tried everything. I have been to see consultants, private and NHS, passed from gastroenterology to gynocologists, hypnotherapy, endured every kind of invasive investigative procedure possible and as for medicines I have tried EVERYTHING, no regular anti spasmodic medicines work for me.  I have a high pain threshold but also a high tolerance for medicines so nothing really makes any difference so now it’s a case of managing the pain and for that I am prescribed tramadol and that I only take when I nothing else helps as that too has little effect.

I am currently on my last strip of tramadol and with stress causing a massive IBD and eczema flare up I booked a appointment at my doctor (which in itself took over a week).  Every time I go to my surgery (which I have been at for 5 years and from birth at the one previous) I am seen by a different doctor which would be fine but I am always met with the same blank stares and I have to start my 15 year story from the beginning.

Anyway to the point, I sat down and started explaining that I needed some betnovate for my eczema (a steroid cream that’s the only thing that helps) she started analysing everything I have done up to this point, all of which were wrong (in her eyes!!) and then looked at me and said ‘when did it start we have no records of it?’ Which drives me crazy as I have had it since I was a toddler and I spent most of my teen years hospitalised or in bandages so how can there be no records.  She finally backed down and ‘allowed’  me my cream but also 4 other less potent one she wants me to use.  To add insult to injury she asked me if I wanted a leaflet about living with eczema, errrrmmmmmm NO! 

So I knew by this point she was being a super doctor.  Don’t get me wrong I understand doctors cannot prescribe unknowingly but the prescription for tramadol is a repeat prescription from my previous doctor.  To clear this up I could understand if I had been for a prescription a month or two ago but my last box was given to me in 2015 as I only take them as a last measure.   Like the eczema conversation she said she could see no files to back up my illness which by this point had my anxiety levels peaked.  I explained that I have been sent to many consultants by previous doctors Both at this surgery and my previous doctors so that’s impossible! After some tapping on her computer she relented and  said she could see some letters  from the consultant but she couldn’t give me a pescription as it’s not ‘protocol’and she had to follow the ‘correct pathways’.  So she told me to come back the following day so she could read my letters and make her mind up as to where we go next.  I went back today to be told she was waiting for correspondence from my consultant.  

I was furious and above everything totally frustrated.  I have spent 15 years being poked and prodded and I have followed every piece of advice and taken everything as prescribed and now I feel like I am being questioned as if I use them for some other use.  I was made to feel like a child making my illness up (which as most chronic pain sufferers will understand is one the biggest struggles we endure living with an invisible illness).  Now I have the most awful feeling she will not prescribe me only relief medication and instead try giving me something else and starting investigating again, a total disheartening step back and a waste of time and money.

 I was walking back from the surgery by myself and everything was racing through my mind. 

  •  How can I live with this pain?
  • How can I be in this position again?
  •  What do I do if I have to live in agony without any pain relief? 
  • What about me makes my case so hard to understand?

 The basic answers to the above is I cannot live like this, there is no quality of  life if I have live like this.  This is the whole reason I agreed to go for my last set of investigations, of which pain relief at the time through pescribed drugs were the agreed outcome.

So here I am until next week waiting for the doctor to decide my future, I’m so angry that a women who knows nothing about me or how my illness affects me personally is able to come in and just stop the only thing that makes the physical side of life barable. 

I shall update when I know more and hopefully it’s the answer I need and I’m back to the grind of managing the illness rather than whatever she would want me to endure next, so keep your fingers crossed that she trusts me and hears what she needs to just give me my medication.

Signing off with love and lipstick,

Pip πŸ’‹πŸ–€πŸ’„