Am I losing my mind?

Am I losing my mind?

Today’s blog is about something that scares me about myself more than anything and that’s my memory loss.  My memory has been noticeably decreasing in its capabilities for about the last 10 years and the last few years its has increasingly becoming something I’m aware of.  I have mentioned it in passing to my loved ones but never really in any depth, I tend to bury my head in the sand when it comes to serious matters so not to trigger my anxiety but this might bring me to the next step in the knowledge on what’s happpening to me.

I know people say ‘oh I can’t remember that long ago’ but my memory loss is becoming a cause for concern.  I cannot hold onto memories, non important and important details of life.  It’s a scary place to be and if I’m honest I’m petrified as I know it’s not just ‘normal’ memory loss. 

Small examples of some of the things I mean.

  • I cannot remember what has happened in a movie I have watched within a couple of hours of watching it.
  • I have no recollection of going to events that I apparently have attended (e.g. Ricky Gervais stand up with my sister, totally zero memory it ever happened and I love him so I wish I remembered)
  • People ask me about pivotal things that have happened in my daughters life and I have no idea, I don’t recall at all her first crawl, words, birthdays and christmases.
  • I don’t know what movies I have seen, books I have read as I remember only a couple (e.g. I know my favourite book is George orwells 1984 and I know I have read it multiple times as I read one copy to tatters and had repurchase yet I cannot recollect what happens in it, I remember a couple of small details but other than that it’s like I have never read it)
  • I ask the same question multiple times without realising it (is it Monday today?) and I only become aware when I am told.

If I have memories they are like snapshots.  I said to alex when we got married that I was so glad we had a videographer and a photographer for our wedding and we joked that I wouldn’t remember it but I know In my heart I won’t remember 99% by the time my first anniversary comes around in November as it’s already slipping away.

I’m scared to talk about it, I’m scared that I sound like I am being dramatic, as if it’s going to sound stupid when it comes out of mouth.  I’m scared I’m losing my mind but To a degree that I feel this is not normal. 

I am in a really strange place where I don’t know what are my actual memories from what I am appropriating from photographs I have seen.   I tend to see my memories as still images, It’s now very rare that I have moving memories of pretty much anything.  It’s so difficult to explain.  

The most painful part is that I don’t remember anything about a lot of people from my past.  I know names and faces and I obviously know we are friends but I have no memories of interacting with them to the point that we gained that relationship and that really upsets me.

I have tried googling my symptoms but that just leads given a slippery path of guess work, uncertainty and probably thinking the worst so I stopped pretty early on.  However due to my lack of faith in my doctor I feel uneasy sharing this with her as I am already in a complicated relationship of mistrust so where do I go from here?  

I would appreciate anyone’s advice or even just a shared story.  They say the first step is the hardest so I hope by getting this out into the world that this is my first step to a more positive and less frightening future.  

I cannot thank you all enough for listening to me rant on about my useless brain function.  Thank you all for sticking by me.  Personally to my husband Alex, thank you for answering my questions regardless of how many times that day I have repeated it with no judgment, no calling me out and with unparalleled love in your heart.  I asked him a few days ago what he would do if I lost my memory and his answer was so honest and without a seconds hesitation was to ‘love you regardless’,  with support like that my life journey is one I cherish regardless of what may come.

Signing off with love and lipstick,

Pip 💋🖤💄

I’m Living with a ‘invisible’ illness

I’m Living with a ‘invisible’ illness

People are so quick to say ‘you must be ok, you look fine’. Trust me if you live with a illness with a non physical element doesn’t make you fine.  Far from it.  This blog is not about statistics or facts but about how it makes me feel as a person.  Its amazing how easily this is overlooked when you get classified as having a ‘Disease’
I have been living with IBD for most of my life.  I’m currently 33 years old and it is thought that it was triggered by a bout of food poisoning when I was in Turkey when I was just 18.

I have been to countless doctors/consultants and have tried everything from the regular medical route to homeopathy and even hypnotherapy.  In my case nothing has worked.

I fell pregnant at 30 and since I had my daughter TillyMae (mouse) I have been in remission (with flare ups a rarity) for the past 3 years but the last week I have relapsed badly I had forgotten just how dibilitating it is.

My illness manifests itself physically as

  • Severe abdominal pain and cramping (to women all i can liken it to is contractions)
  • Vomiting/nausea (due to the severity of the pain)
  • Intense fatigue 

At its worst I was getting taken into hospital at least once a month because the pain was so severe the only thing that Would help was morphine just. I also live with permanent scaring to my stomach from years of scalding hot water bottles which would be the only thing that would give me relief while painkillers were kicking in.

I have tried countless different prescribed and homeopathic drugs to help suppress my illness but nothing has worked and as their is no cure all I can do is manage the pain when it comes.  For this I am on Tramadol but i take soluble co codamol when possible, as I throw up I need something that gets into my system before it comes back.
I like to think I am a happy go lucky person but there was a time where all my life existited of was pain and sickness and I was tired of living in that cycle so I planned a way to take my own life, it became more than I thought I could bare.  Don’t mistake what I am saying as undiagnosed depression, this was not the case for me it was clarity and What i thought would achieve peace. It’s  not that I wanted to die, far from it, I wanted to live but not in the existence I was caught up in.   

It took the love and support of my family and close friends to see that where darkness lurks the light is just waiting to come through.  They led me through the pain riddled, drug filled, bed ridden days to where I am now a happily married women and a mother.  Life now is good, even with the return of my illness I have clarity of a different kind, my sick days are now accompanied by a 3 year old daughter who strokes my back when I’m sick and lays next to me in bed singing songs to make me feel better along side a husband who looks after the little one and brings me everything I need.  I realise now I am blessed, illness is not everything in my life now it’s just A SINGLE part.

Education, support, love and understanding are the key to helping us ‘invisible’ sickies

Pip 💋